Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong (2013)

And now, the final, pint-sized piece of this pastry puzzle! I wish I could say that I’ve seen the Evil Bong movies, but I can’t, so I’ll just review this like it was another Gingerdead sequel.

Mania Banner Gingerdead Man

Directed by Charles Band

Synopsis
Somewhere far away, on a tropical island paradise, the Gingerdead Man is attended to and fawned over by a harem of topless, big-breasted womenfolk.

“If it weren’t for that stupid floozy (referring to heroine Sarah Leigh) at that bakery who turned me into this [cookie], I’d be blowin’ custard all over all three’a ya.” the sugary psycho laments (if anything, he should blame his mama — she’s the one that mixed his ashes with all that gingerbread seasoning and left it for Sarah to bake up at her bakery at the start of the first movie). “It’s high time that I find that gal and cut her down to size.”

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While Gingy plots his revenge, Larnell from the Evil Bong series decorates his new head shop. Through extensive flashbacking, we’re shown that Larnell and his stoner friends once came to possess a nefarious, talking bong that endangered their lives on at least three occasions — most notably by sucking them into its Bong World and turning their deepest desires against them.

Disregarding his better judgment, Larnell hangs onto the bong, named Eebee. For no apparent reason besides exposition, he takes her out of the cabinet he keeps her in just long enough to explain that he hopes to use her for good one day, then locks her back up. A short while later, recurring Evil Bong character Rabbit (who actually first appeared in 1991’s Trancers II) drops in to shill Evil Bong merchandise (?) and a cookie decorated like the Gingerdead Man. At the sight of his old friend’s cookie, habitually high Larnell gets the munchies and steps out to a bakery just down the street (coincidentally owned by Ms. Leigh) to get one for himself and discuss the possibility of cross-promoting their businesses (his gives people the munchies, hers cures the munchies).

Well, Gingy finally arrives, offs a few people and stalks our heroes back to the head shop, where they narrowly escape to the Bong World by taking a hit from Eebee. As the back of the DVD states, “It’s one tough cookie versus one bad mother of a bong when the two Titans of Terror hash out a war in the Bong World. The stakes have never been higher.”

Review (SPOILERS)
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Charles Band, the director of the first Gingerdead Man, and all three Evil Bong movies, directs this crossover, which serves as the fourth entry to both series. For the fourth straight movie, a different actor, Bob “Busey” Ramos (I’ll bite, why is his nickname Busey?), takes over as the voice of the dastardly dessert. This time, the magic of Synchro-Vox (superimposing an actor’s moving mouth on an object or still image) is used to bring life to our villain. Though typically reserved for unintentionally horrifying 50s cartoons, late night parody skits and Timbuk3 videos, the cost-effective method is utilized well here. And as a matter of fact, the end product is far more convincing than Full Moon’s usual, rigid puppetry. Another plus this movie’s GM design has going for it: he looks meaner, and not as goofy as he has in the past. And not that anyone cares, but his collar and bowtie are back.

For some reason, Hambo, an old fuck racist clown that appeared in Full Moon’s Zombies Vs. Strippers, then Ooga Booga (itself a spin-off of Doll Graveyard), is written into the mix, though his brief appearance seems forced, and completely unnecessary. For the record, I really hate this character. Can we kill him off? Here’s hoping.

Robin Sydney reprises her role as Sarah Leigh from the first movie, as well as Larnell’s white trash ex-girlfriend Luann from the Evil Bong series. In one of this film’s more humorous moments, Sydney comes face to face with herself as both characters.

In another humorous scene, the GM is Karate-kicked across a room after hatcheting through a door and proclaiming, well, I’m sure you can guess.

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Now, if you’re looking for action like this, you’ll have to slog through almost an hour of flashbacks and set-up to get there — and even then, it’s limited to the above-mentioned Karate-kicking and three brief kills. Sorry to let you down, but the bong and the cookie never even square off. There’s no versus, as it were, to this versus film. And worst of all, no resolution. It sort of just… Ends. Abruptly. The only way I’d be able to view this endeavor as anything more than a disappointment would be with the knowledge that Full Moon was planning a sequel that picks up directly where this one leaves off. If this were simply the first half of a pair of films, setting up for an epic second half, I’d be able to enjoy it a hundred times more. But as it stands, the pacing is sluggish, the ending is way too abrupt, and the title is hella deceptive; if anything, they should have called this Gingerdead Man MEETS Evil Bong, cos like I said, the two never actually tussle.

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For these reasons, this is far and away the weakest link in the series. My favorite part isn’t even a scene or exchange from the movie, but rather a novelty cereal box my special edition DVD came in, containing actual cereal and a sticker! That’s gotta tell you something.

PROS
•The cereal box
•Its kills are accomplished with practical special effects, unlike Part 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.
•This quote: “You think you can just walk your gay cookie ass the fuck up outta here? You ain’t nuttin’ but a punk-ass bitch.”
•For the first time in the Gingerdead series, bahoobs! Four pairs of boobs and a glorious boob wall made out of boobs, to be more precise.

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CONS
•Promotional artwork insinuated Gary Busey would again be starring. His appearance is instead limited to archival flashback footage.
•Hambo.
•Its slow pace and lack of a payoff.
•Its misleading title.

A Few Questions
•Instead of smoking themselves to the Bong World, why didn’t Larnell and Sarah just run out the front door to the street where there was sure to be lots of people?
•The Pastry Tribunal that decides the fate of our killer cookie is made up of the same anthropomorphic foods he was incarcerated with in the Scientific Research Institute For the Study of Homicidal Baked Goods. So why didn’t he recognize them?

The Verdict
While not completely terrible, I recommend that you skip it, unless you’re a diehard fan of both series.

Recommendations
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)

GingerdeadMania Cookie Rating: Two Cookies
Cookie Scale 2

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